January 11th, 2011

House Rules

Kate Chretien

Dear TBD,

Hi. We haven’t been formally introduced yet, but I am your mother and current landlord of your temporary home, from here forward to be referred to as “The Premises.”  I’ve been glad to see that you are enjoying the space and have not been bashful about exploring each square inch. It is also reassuring to know that you indeed have limbs and those limbs indeed are functional. You have muscles! Bones! Working nerves! It’s all good news.

Yet, I do feel it is time to establish a few “house rules” so that we can co-exist peacefully until the end of your Rental Agreement.

House Rule #1: No breakdancing parties between the hours of 10 pm and 6 am.

In the outside world, there is a division of time called “day” and “night.” Daytime is for doing things, i.e. the “worm,” doing those moves that include spinning around on your shoulders, and those other jabbing/kicking/cutting edge breakdancing moves you do, with or without a cardboard box underneath (hopefully without, given the imagined state of my uterus right about now). Nighttime is for SLEEPING. Your mother and current landlord (me) greatly enjoys sleeping.  Yet, she cannot do so when you are busting a move all night long. Your future happiness greatly depends on a well-rested and pleased Mama, so please start heeding this rule. As you may not realize when 10 pm rolls around, you will be given a gentle sweeping notification push.

House rule #2: No punching the cervix. Enough said.

House rule #3: All tenants are expected to vacate The Premises by the appointed due date stated in the Rental Agreement.

On or before the due date, it is expected that you leave with all of your acquired belongings, else face forced eviction. Prior tenants (ahem) stayed way beyond their due dates, forcing your mother and current landlord (me) into extreme states of discomfort, edema, and irritability. This is not good for any parties and shall no longer be tolerated. Nor should you vacate much earlier before the due date (i.e. pre-term), but one to two weeks early would be wholly acceptable.

Thank you in advance for following these simple rules. I look forward to finally meeting you in the near future. I will notify the producers of “So You Think You Can Dance” of your expected entry into their contest in 2028.


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