December 8th, 2010

By Order of the (*ahem*) Queen

Linda Kennard

By order of Your Royal Highness Her Majesty the Queen (a.k.a. “Mom”), it is hereby decreed that all non-tax-paying inhabitants of this household shall accept their duty as Her subjects to clean the Kingdom. No longer will the Queen tolerate the life of shiftless loafing luxury the Kingdom’s serfs now enjoy.

Her Majesty expects little: Plebeians must empty the trash, dust, vacuum and clean the toilet on Her command, without complaint. Furthermore, the Queen expects a few menial chores to be done by habit, without command. Nevertheless, because Your Highness knows that Her subjects seldom clean without gentle nudging, the Queen hereby issues this decree in lieu of a cattle prod. Forthwith, henceforth and forever, subjects will obey these cleaning laws without need of Royal nagging:

  • All subjects are hereby ordered to pick up their visibly-used underwear from off their bedroom and bathroom floors and carry it posthaste to the proper laundering receptacle. A Queen must not touch her serfs’ soiled undergarments. (Not this Queen! Not anymore!) Let subjects who “forget” this law, suffer the natural consequences by donning their day-old undies. Odors be damned: Your Queen shall not lift a finger to rid the floors of Her subjects’ smelly bottom dwellers.
  • Drenched towels left rotting on the bathroom floor shall no longer be tolerated. Hang them up! Subjects are advised to note the hook conveniently located on the wall directly above the spot where the soaked towels routinely lay dying. Failure to comply with this simple law shall be punishable by inhalation: subjects who blot themselves “dry” with stale, wet towels will breathe in the mold-infused scent wafting from their own bodies.
  • Leaving still-laced shoes wherever subjects first sit inside the Kingdom walls is hereby forbidden. No longer shall the Queen overlook dirty shoes stuffed with graying socks under the barstool, nor slops in the center of the doorway, nor boots in front of the couch. All subjects shall dump the contents of their shoes (sand, bark chips, rubber tire shavings) outside the castle walls and carry the shoes to their closets. Subjects who fail to comply with this law shall suffer the status quo: searching ad nauseum for their shoes.
  • Toast crumbs do not tend to carry themselves to the trash bin. Hence, all subjects are hereby responsible for ridding the Royal countertops of the piles of crumbs generated after toast making. Wiping the crumbs onto the floor will not be counted. Subjects guilty of crumb crimes shall pay with a week’s rations of crumb-free vegetables of odious variety (e.g., lima beans and Brussels sprouts) without benefit of condiments (e.g., butter, salt or pepper).

Your Royal Highness loves her sometimes mindless minions but in Her infinite wisdom has created these laws for a purpose: Her Majesty hopes that someday when Her subjects abide somewhere other than this Kingdom, none shall accuse them, as their Queen accuses them now, of being little pigs.

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This Weeks Tip

We did a review a while ago of dry shampoo. Here’s an alternative when you don’t have time to wash, but want to get rid of the oily-ness. Sprinkle some baking soda on your hair, comb through then quickly fluff your hair with a blow dryer. (note: You can also add a little scented baby powder to keep your hair smelling clean!)