June 11th, 2010

Son, Potty Train Thyself!

Kate Chretien

One day recently, Luke threw me a curve ball of insane proportions. We were in the bathroom getting ready to brush his teeth when he started shimmying out of his pants and ripping off his diaper.

“I go peepee in the potty.”

I froze.


This can’t be happening.

“You want to go PEEPEE in the POTTY?” I asked, inappropriately loudly as if addressing someone who was hard of hearing. (But how can he? He’s not but 2 and 4 months. Don’t I have months of blissful diapering ahead of me before having to deal with this biz? I’m tired.  Potty training takes ENERGY. Energy does not grow on this mommy tree. In fact, I need a nap right now.)

He nodded, as if he had done this before.

My eyes narrowed. Who could be the traitor trying to subvert my world? Is it Grandma Jenny? Nana? Was it the babysitter? I never trusted her.

I sighed and lifted him up onto the seat. His small butt sagged into the hole, legs draped over the sides. The boy was about to fall in. Clearly this was all wrong and way too early.

I stared. Nothing happened. I started to feel relief, oh Hooray, this is just a false alarm!

Then, it happened. Drops. Then a stream. The boy was PEEING in the TOILET.

Since that time, he has intermittently tried to pull the same funny business and I’m starting to realize that my days of freedom are numbered. Soon, I will be dealing with accidents, big boy underwear, and becoming intimate with household cleaners and carpet spot removers like they are going out of style.  Soon, I will re-live the hypervigilance involved in outings - the Potty Training PTSD I experienced with Elise. DO YOU HAVE TO GO POTTY? LET’S GO NOW. PLEASE GO NOW! The end state of being diaper-free forever seems like a goal separated by a ridge of hard-life mountains.

Well, perhaps this is happening exactly because there’s been NO pressure from us to start trying, and we all know what happens when we try to make it happen. And, as much as I want to order him to replace his diaper immediately, I know I can’t really do that. (Right? Just once?)

So, I’ll assist. But, I won’t like it.

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This Weeks Tip

Have you ever put a small child on a public potty — the kind with the automatic flusher — and had it flush while your child is sitting on it? Only to send him/her into a state of sheer panic? Well here’s a tip to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Carry a pad of post-it notes with you in your bag. When your child gets on the potty, put a post-it note over the infrared sensor. The sensor will be fooled, and your trip to the potty will be freak-out free.