Rebooting Your Offspring

Mother Technogeek’s Guide to 
Computer Functions Every Kid Should Have

Hibernate/Sleep: Use when child is exhausted, has dark circles under eyes, but is still –  illogically – screaming around the house. Simply press the button and watch child collapse onto his or her bed in sweet slumber.

Anti-virus programs: Automatic updates mean you never get the dreaded call from the nurse’s office, relaying that your child has a fever, a rash, or has thrown up into the rain boots of a classmate.

Software updates: Install these and your child is suddenly able to understand things which eluded him or her previously, such as the meaning of the term “weekend” (i.e. when mom and dad would like to sleep past 5:30AM) or the concept of potty-training

Data transfer: Upload the positive qualities of one child into the other, e.g. overwrite the “I-won’t-eat-anything-that-looks-weird-and-THAT-looks-weird” program of your son with the “If-it’s-on-my-plate-it’s-food-so-let-me-at-it” program of your daughter.

Automatic back-up: Automatically saves and organizes every photo, piece of art work, milestone, and video in one fabulous file, documented, illustrated, narrated, and handsomely bound. Relieves the user of all scrapping, journal-keeping, and baby-book making duties (and disposes of that huge plastic bin of keepsakes that sits in the closet, emitting a fog of guilt.

Reboot: Use when all attempts at cajoling your child out of a very black mood have failed, when the  day (which started out so well!) seems likely to descend northwards into the toilet, when your child has screamed that you are “ruining my life!” or that “I never get to do anything I want to do!” or “It’s not fair!” or, if child is pre-verbal, simply “WAAAAaaaaaaAAAAHHHHH!!!!” Depress button and hold for five seconds while child’s face relaxes, tears dry up, and fists unclench. Child should return to normal levels of discontent. May have to be repeated.