Swim Diapers Were Invented by a Man

It was pushing close to 4pm and The Husband and I decided we had to wake up the kids from their nap in order to get ANY beach time. I mean we dragged everyones’ butts all the way over here, we WOULD be getting our money’s worth. Yet, waking them up from deep slumber is never met with a favorable outcome.

There are grunts. Whines. Unpleasant faces and their accompanying sounds. Geez. You think we had wakened them to go back to peeling potatoes at the children’s prison camp. I DON’T WANNA GO BEACH. UHHH.

But, we changed them nevertheless, Elise into her bathing suit, Luke into his swim diaper and babing-soup.

Luke was none too happy, so he clung to me while I sat kneeling on the floor, nuzzling his still-sleepy-head into my chest.

I held him close, stroking and patting his back, poor thing. What a rude awakening. He just needed some time to wake up.

Suddenly, I became aware of warmth enveloping my thighs. Ah, motherhood was so rewarding…WAIT. That’s not motherhood. I stood Luke up and spotted two matching set of wet spots on either side of my groin…NO. NOOOOOO!

I looked up at Luke, standing in front of me. Shooting out from Luke’s babing-soup right leg hole was a pee stream. Right there. Spilling onto the carpet of our hotel room. Peeing. On the carpet. Pee on me. Nooooo!

Who put on his diaper? The Husband was in charge of that, and I suspected he put it on all wrong. I mean, the boy might as well have been wearing ass-less chaps.

Yet, it was on right. It just SUCKS. Clearly, the swim diaper’s only function in life is to serve as a crude poop barrier, but couldn’t it have been designed to have an itty-bitty amount of absorbency? DUDE.

I wish I could say this was the first time I was peed on thanks to the Great Swim Diaper Fake Out, but alas, this happened before, many years ago, with Elise. Which I remembered, sadly, only after I was enveloped by the same dreaded warmth sensations this time around.

I hope that one of the CEOs of a major swim diaper company gets peed on. Then, maybe, we’d have an actual swim diaper instead of a swim colander.


About Kate

Kate is mother to three exceptionally strong and solid offspring, "Elise" (b. 2005),"Luke" (b.2008), and "Emile" (b. 2011), who have successfully put her spine one hoist away from disc herniation. She lives in the Washington DC area and works in healthcare—which is convenient given the physical hazards of her mommy gig. Kate is deathly afraid of developing large nose pores and is very suspicious of squirrels. She hopes she will never, ever need to face these two fears simultaneously. She is a huge fan of eating, sleeping, and taking private showers. Kate yearns for the day when she will not have to follow any dependent being into the bathroom for quality control. She is also known for saying, "There's nothing that makes you feel like more of a tool than writing about yourself in third person."

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