9 Hades of Gray


I’m well aware I may be the only woman in America who hasn’t read the steamy 50 Shades of Grey books. Call me naïve, but I like to believe my intimate life is better than fiction, and I see no reason for disillusionment just yet. I did, however, read Dante’s Inferno, in which the nine circles of Hell are described. It was 20 years ago, and I can’t really remember much about the circles, but I have a pretty good idea of how I, personally, might revise them.

As far as I’m concerned, gray hair holds nearly as much horror as Hades.

Don’t get me wrong… I think it’s simply divine on—well—older women, but I currently lack the sophistication to pull it off. Sure, I’ve been experimenting for a few years, but allowing that first gray was like a “gategray” hair, allowing in harder, and more serious, grays.

I used to pluck, whispering to each exiled offender, “Tell your friends I don’t want to see them around, understand?” but they conspired, formed a union and began organizing. I’d pluck one, and find two in its place. Below are the nine circles of Hell, as I see them:

  1. My hair is falling out in the brush, while my husband recently switched from firm hold styling gel to invincible hold and had his stylist “thin” his hair.
  2. It’s not a gray hair. It’s a natural highlight.
  3. That streak is clearly a chunk of sun-kissed hair. Isn’t the sun glorious?!
  4. Okay, maybe that ONE is gray… I still have fewer grays than my husband, so my Trophy Wife status isn’t threatened.
  5. It’s just a couple gray hairs—a coat of mascara might help cover them.
  6. Grandma said she used to apply shoe polish to cover her grays during the Depression. Shoe polish… Shoe polish… Where’s the shoe polish? Aha! SHARPIE MARKER!
  7. “Of course it’s safe and easy to apply… Why else would they sell it—in the supermarket, of all places? I mean, it doesn’t take a genius to apply hair color…”
  8. I am the Queen of Hats.
  9. “Ma’am? We’re going to get you the help you need. I need you to back away from the hair trimmers, and turn off the Sinead O’Connor CD…”

Lesson learned: It does take a genius to apply hair color, and I have her on speed dial, now.


About Christina-Marie

Christina-Marie Wright is the manic mother of seven, wife to a real estate professional and political activist (the same guy—Mr. Wright) and author of the hilarious "Everything I Need to Know About Motherhood I Learned from Animal House," available on Amazon. After giving birth to one child—just to see if her body worked—she picked up four full-time stepchildren and two adopted children along her zigzagging path to (near) self-actualization. Her family isn’t “blended.” It’s “pureed.” That frothy blend of maternal mayhem includes: Princess (stepdaughter, b. 1990, Veterinary Medicine student), The Dude (stepson, b. 1993, employed, living on his own), Pockets (bio son, b. 1994, attending college), Pepper (stepdaughter, b. 1996, high school diva), GirlWonder (stepdaughter, b. 1997, middle school over-achiever), Curlytop (adopted daughter, b. 2005, special needs child allergic to Red Dye 40) and Snugglebug (adopted daughter, b. 2006, diagnosed Sensory Processing Dysfunction, also allergic to Red Dye 40). A vegan for over 15 years, and a Washington state native, Christina-Marie makes her home along the Columbia River, and the view from her living room is better than yours. She's also a sexual health consultant, and absolutely capable of teaching you how to find your G-spot. You can find Christina-Marie hanging out with a snifter of Southern Comfort at TheGonzoMama.com and SexyVeganMama.com.

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3 Responses to 9 Hades of Gray

  1. Linda July 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm #

    Made me giggle Christina-Marie! I’m certain that I’m going to pluck myself bald in my quest to keep the grays at bay. And by the way, I haven’t read 50 Shades of Grey either . . . and right there with you: why mess up delusions of grandeur with a dose of nasty-naughty fiction?

  2. mom1533 July 17, 2012 at 11:12 am #

    I avoid all restrooms and dressing rooms with fluorescent lights…I can see my gray hairs all too well there. Unfortunately that includes the one at work.

    I have, in the past, been known to sit in a parking lot (waiting for a kid to come out of some place they just spent all of my last few dollars in) and laid my car seat back all the way to let my 15 yr old pull a few grays for me…she strangely enjoys this. I tell her we are like apes grooming, but in reverse.

    But the WORST was when my boyfriend, who is 11 years my junior, pulled an extremely long white hair from my neck!!
    We were sitting in a restaurant on a rare date without any of the 5 kids. He leaned over in a loving way and said I must have a little piece of dog fur stuck on my neck…gross but not rare in my house, pet hair is just a reality. Like 4 kinds of toothpaste all over the sink and enough crumbs to feed a small nation under my couch cushions.

    He gently tried to wipe it away. And then tried again. Then said,too loudly, ” What the..???” And pulled out a long, long white hair. How had I never noticed it??Denial?? I teared up, he laughed( a lot!), and he spent the rest of our date night trying to convince me that I am not “old”. Sigh.

  3. Linda July 21, 2012 at 6:54 pm #

    :-) That’s funny . . . and horrible. I’ve been known to find long CHIN hairs … how gross is that?! ;-)

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