I’m well aware I may be the only woman in America who hasn’t read the steamy 50 Shades of Grey books. Call me naïve, but I like to believe my intimate life is better than fiction, and I see no reason for disillusionment just yet. I did, however, read Dante’s Inferno, in which the nine circles of Hell are described. It was 20 years ago, and I can’t really remember much about the circles, but I have a pretty good idea of how I, personally, might revise them.
As far as I’m concerned, gray hair holds nearly as much horror as Hades.
Don’t get me wrong… I think it’s simply divine on—well—older women, but I currently lack the sophistication to pull it off. Sure, I’ve been experimenting for a few years, but allowing that first gray was like a “gategray” hair, allowing in harder, and more serious, grays.
I used to pluck, whispering to each exiled offender, “Tell your friends I don’t want to see them around, understand?” but they conspired, formed a union and began organizing. I’d pluck one, and find two in its place. Below are the nine circles of Hell, as I see them:
- My hair is falling out in the brush, while my husband recently switched from firm hold styling gel to invincible hold and had his stylist “thin” his hair.
- It’s not a gray hair. It’s a natural highlight.
- That streak is clearly a chunk of sun-kissed hair. Isn’t the sun glorious?!
- Okay, maybe that ONE is gray… I still have fewer grays than my husband, so my Trophy Wife status isn’t threatened.
- It’s just a couple gray hairs—a coat of mascara might help cover them.
- Grandma said she used to apply shoe polish to cover her grays during the Depression. Shoe polish… Shoe polish… Where’s the shoe polish? Aha! SHARPIE MARKER!
- “Of course it’s safe and easy to apply… Why else would they sell it—in the supermarket, of all places? I mean, it doesn’t take a genius to apply hair color…”
- I am the Queen of Hats.
- “Ma’am? We’re going to get you the help you need. I need you to back away from the hair trimmers, and turn off the Sinead O’Connor CD…”
Lesson learned: It does take a genius to apply hair color, and I have her on speed dial, now.