For the most part, adults make the same generic resolutions each year. Eat better, weigh less, exercise more, live life more fully, love more openly, be a better person, blah blah blah.
It all makes you sound like you’re talking less from your mouth and more from other orifices because we all know that by mid-January, you’re no longer counting wine calories because they’re considered “medicinal” in order to not strangle your kids, which you swore you weren’t going to do.
So to save us all the embarrassment of going through another round of failures, I present a last-minute resolution to still sneak in while the year is fresh: Be a kid.
Why do I want to be a kid in 2012? Let me explain…
1.) I want to save money. Kids save all of their money, barely any of which they actually earn, except by being cute and pretending to learn good work ethics. They just happily collect cold hard cash and stick it in their piggy banks which, if you can get the little rubber stopper out, have a hole just slightly smaller than any denomination. Boom—savings galore.
2.) I want to eat less. If I eat like a kid, my problems will be solved. Tiny plates, tiny portions, and a giant mom watching over me to make sure sweets are out of reach and I eat any and all vegetables. Also, kid meals come with a drink (cabernet, please) and a toy, and who doesn’t like free stuff?
3.) I want to exercise more. My children run themselves ragged every living day, to the point that they’re just running circles around the house, from the kitchen to the living room to the dining room, chasing each other like a dog chasing its tail. Pointless, really, but they so enjoy the exercise more than I ever possibly could.
4.) I want to be happy, live life, love freely. Children are the epitome of happiness. As a joke I wrapped up toilet paper and their own underwear and gave them to my kids as Christmas presents, and when they opened them, all I heard was, “Yeah!!! Toilet paper!” or “YESSSS!!! My own underwear!” I want THAT kind of happiness, and then I want to run around with my own gifted underwear on my head, chasing my siblings around the house and then thanking my mom for the fun gift by giving her giant, goopy hugs and kisses.
5.) And finally, I want to get more sleep. Somebody, please please please put me to bed at 8:30. Tuck me in, make me read my book and let me get my rest. Being a kid takes a lot of energy, you know.