Packing My Bags for Mommy Prison

I got to the gate safely, thankful that my taxi driver didn’t end up being a psychopath killer since he wore fingerless gloves. I don’t trust anyone, besides Madonna, who wears fingerless gloves (and only her during the Lucky Star period.)

Reflexively, I checked my smartphone, which I do every 4.5 seconds exactly when not actively moving.

In my inbox, was an email from The Husband sent just minutes ago. A sweet email describing how Elise and Luke were playing, making play-doh birthday cakes at home, using crayons as candles.

That’s when it hit me.

I’m going straight to Mommy Prison.

I’m traveling on Elise’s 5th birthday. *ducking flying tomatoes*

I looked around, guiltily, as if everyone knew my mommy crimes by virtue of gate osmosis.

I had to call home and wish her Happy Birthday. But not here. Not so public. Not with my future co-passengers who could corner me on the plane and flush me down the airplane toilet with that suspicious blue liquid.

I moved to a less-populated gate area and dialed.

The Husband answered, surprisingly cheery after spending the last few days as a single parent and apparently handling it much better than I usually do (I’m  usually insane-mute by this point.)

He put me on speakerphone.

“Happy birthday, Elise! I wish I could be there today, but I hope it’s a great day!”

She sounded happy and excited to tell me all about her plans for the day.  She didn’t sound like she missed me, or was heartbroken at all that I wasn’t able to be home today, due to an unfortunate string of work travel.

I was glad. Not really. Yes, I was. But, you know.

As we finished up the call, I imagined a uniformed officer might briskly walk over to me, swing my hands behind my back and slap on some cuffs, delivering me straight to my cell, only adorned by a cot, a sink and a Dora the Explorer potty chair.

And even when no officer came, I did the perp walk back to my gate, all the same.


About Kate

Kate is mother to three exceptionally strong and solid offspring, "Elise" (b. 2005),"Luke" (b.2008), and "Emile" (b. 2011), who have successfully put her spine one hoist away from disc herniation. She lives in the Washington DC area and works in healthcare—which is convenient given the physical hazards of her mommy gig. Kate is deathly afraid of developing large nose pores and is very suspicious of squirrels. She hopes she will never, ever need to face these two fears simultaneously. She is a huge fan of eating, sleeping, and taking private showers. Kate yearns for the day when she will not have to follow any dependent being into the bathroom for quality control. She is also known for saying, "There's nothing that makes you feel like more of a tool than writing about yourself in third person."

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