August 29, 2012 By

FOR LAUNDRY OPERATIONS: CHILD FORCES RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

for-laundry-operations-child-forces-rules-of-engagement

NOTE: THESE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT EXPLAIN YOUR “RIGHTS” (A TERM USED EUPHEMESTICALLY HERE TO MEAN “UNEQUIVOCAL RESPONSIBILITIES”) TO ENSURE YOUR MOTHER’S SANITY AND THEREBY YOUR SAFETY (ALBEIT INDIRECTLY). NOTHING IN THESE RULES GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO QUESTION, ARGUE OR OTHERWISE CONTRARILY ENGAGE YOUR MOTHER IN DISCUSSIONS GEARED TOWARD SIMPLIFYING YOUR LIFE. MAKE NO MISTAKE, THESE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT ARE SOLELY ABOUT SIMPLIFYING YOUR MOTHER’S LIFE.

  • You have the right to pick from your floor—and from under your bed—all of your dirty socks, underwear and various other clothing items and put them in the laundry basket, conveniently located in your room.
  • You have the right to haul said laundry basket once a week upon command—without complaint (for your own safety)—to the laundry room, where you will sort your dirty clothes into tidy piles of whites, darks, brights, reds and other. You will have questions. Consult with each other before engaging Mother, who might not respond kindly.
  • You have the right to remove belts from pants. Inaction will result in the ire of Mother.
  • You have the right to search the pockets of your stale clothing to remove all items therein, including but NOT limited to “cool” rocks, rusted bottle caps, “lucky” pennies, candy wrappers, lunch baggies (particularly those with food still in them, such as slivered almonds), paper (e.g., straw wrappers, napkins), pens and pencils. Removing from your pockets any and all wadded up underwear (presumably from sleepovers?) is also your right.
  • After Mother has washed, dried, folded and hung your freshly-laundered clothing, you have the right to remove said clothing from the laundry room, take it to your room, and (here’s the tricky part, apparently) put it away. Nicely. Neatly. Mother is likely to “go ballistic,” as it were, if she finds freshly-laundered clothing in crumpled piles on your floor alongside their other filthy counterparts.

REMEMBER

  • Mother is not at war.
  • Treat all persons, particularly Mother, with dignity and respect.
  • Use MAXIMUM effort to exercise your rights (as defined above).
  • Always be prepared to act upon Mother’s command.

CARRY ON SOLDIERS. AS YOU WERE.

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About Linda

Linda spent thirteen years functioning as a working mom (where “functioning” grossly overstates her mental condition and “working” means “income-contributing”). Recently, she joined the ranks of stay-at-home moms (where “stay-at-home” means “working-for-free”), managing her household of six: herself, hubby “BigG,” daughter “Jay” (b.1994), identical tweens “Clyde” and “Tanner” (b.1998), and rescue dog “Lola” (b.1996?). Without diapers or refrigerator letters to explain her new status, Linda spends too much time justifying—to herself—her zero-earnings existence, which leads her to occasionally go where few moms bother to tread, like the end of a 20-foot ladder installing remote-control blinds. Having bluffed her way through toddler- and childhood, Linda only hopes that she and her kids can survive the angst and drama (and jacked-up auto insurance premiums) that precede adulthood. So far so good: C&T are kind, smart, happy guys who are easily entertained. And aside from periodically exuding PMS-induced tension, Jay is an atypical teen who is not really into fashion or boys and actually likes her mom and dad.
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One Response to FOR LAUNDRY OPERATIONS: CHILD FORCES RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

  1. shanny August 29, 2012 at 10:15 am #

    love it!! i copied it then twicked it a bit to fit our family… need something like this except for keeping there bedroom clean!