I am terrified of insects. There are plenty of terms for this fear which I give no merit to since I happen to think running naked screaming from the bathroom because something with eight legs and eyes is lurking in the shower waiting for a chance to pounce while you are rinsing shampoo out of your hair is not a phobia, it is just common sense.
Living in Arizona has forced me to deal with the absolute worst insect of them all – the scorpion. The biggest problem with scorpions is the sting, it is horribly painful. So, you have to take precautions, which brings me to my next point about scorpions, they glow. Well, they glow under ultra-violet light which you use at night to find them. Now I know you are thinking you would simply spray some poison and be done with them. To which I will tell you, driving home my third point and resting my case against scorpions as the worst bugs ever – they can’t be poisoned. Really. Scorpions have a crusty covering that poison can’t penetrate, you spray for bugs that scorpions like to eat and pray that the scorpions go away and that you don’t end up with an unintended scorpion fat-camp for giant scorpions wanting to lose a few ounces and look good by the pool.
So really, this is all just a recipe for disaster for someone like myself, with bug issues and a touch of paranoia—resulting in conversations such as this one with my husband the other night…
Me: Honey, did you check for scorpions tonight?
Me: Did you check everywhere, even behind the toilet?
Him: Yes, now can we just go to sleep?
Me: Sure. Wait, did you hear that?
Him: Hear what?
Me: It sounded like something crawling around, it sounded like a scorpion.
Him: You are trying to tell me you think you hear a scorpion? You missed a meeting last week because you slept through the alarm but you hear the indiscernible sound of scorpion feet scurrying across the tile floor?
Me: Claws. I would think the proper term would be claws.
Him: I am going to sleep, this discussion is over.
Me: I think there is a scorpion around and if I can’t sleep I am going to toss and turn and sing the theme song to Barney to calm myself down. “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy…”
Him: Gah! Okay, enough already, what do you want me to do?
Me: Can you check again?
Him: (climbing out of bed) You know you are a real pain in my butt Tina.
Me: Honey, since you are up, can you get me a glass of water? All that singing made me thirsty.
As it happens, he opted to bring me a glass of wine instead of water—which did help ease my fears. Perhaps there is an effective antidote for insect paranoia after all.