How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I know this is nearly impossible to believe, but this summer I attended my 20^th high school reunion.   For reasons I do not understand, The Big Geek did not want to use up all of his vacation in Oklahoma listening to people say “fixin’ to” and mopping the sweat from his forehead at 8 a.m., so the kids and I flew out alone and he joined us for the weekend of the reunion.

The flight out was not bad, thanks to my laptop and some strategically chosen dvds.  Our time in Oklahoma was fun, thanks to Oklahoma’s awesome museums and zoo, plus a brilliant business* in Edmond, Oklahoma that is half indoor play area half art studio and comes with free wifi and air conditioning (seriously, was this place specifically MADE for my exact combination of children or what??).   By the end I was over the whole single parent thing, but my friends and family were very helpful despite the rapidly increasing whine factor.  When my kids miss Daddy, they whine and cling.  It gets old really fast.

The flight back started out ok, until I realized I had left the strategically chosen dvds IN OKLAHOMA!  Fortunately, I had some children’s books on my iPod and was able to distract Princess with those.  Caveman was partially distracted by looking out the window, but his main form of entertainment on the first leg of our trip back to California was going to the airplane bathroom.  Which he did THREE TIMES.

Yes, that’s right, THREE times he told me he needed to go potty, and THREE TIMES I held him on my lap and did the “oh, it’s our turn, oh, wait, someone else went in, ok, now go, oh, no, someone else, seriously kid RUN to the bathroom” thing.  Then I got to wedge us both in the tiny plane bathroom.  It was awesome.

So of course when we get to our layover in Las Vegas we went straight to the bathroom.  And of course Caveman insists he does NOT need to go.  And of course as soon as we sit down to eat lunch he loudly announces, “I HAVE TO GO POOP!”

I am fairly patient in general, but whatever patience I had left must have been back with the movies in Oklahoma, because I’m pretty sure laser beams shot out of my eyes as a demonic voice growled, “you will have to wait until I finish my SALAD!!”

Not wanting to deal with a poop accident in an airport, though, I shoveled in my salad as quickly as possible and then herded us all back to the bathroom.

Once at our gate, Caveman chose to disobey me and earned a time out.  His response to my reminder that I was in charge was an insistent, “But you can’t be in charge, because you’re wrong.” [Insert me giving Caveman the death stare and then texting the Big Geek that he would be in charge of Caveman once we arrived back in California.]

A sane person would have gone home after this, but not me.  See, instead of flying home we were headed to southern California for my in-laws’ anniversary party.   The good news is that my mother-in-law runs a private school with camps all summer, so my kids got to go there while I took a break.  The bad news is that I flew on July 3 and there was no camp July 4, so we all got a little more time together before the much-needed break.

As if to underscore the real need for some separation, on the evening of July 4^th, Caveman came running down the stairs at my in-laws, yelling his head off.  When I walked in, he was about 3 steps from the bottom, and he’d started peeing as he came down the stairs.  Then he got to the bottom floor, still peeing, slipped in his own pee, and started to cry.  Why didn’t he just go to the bathroom at the top of the stairs?  I have no idea.  But I picked him up, yelled at The Big Geek to deal with the puddle, and took him to the downstairs bathroom.  I was just about to throw him in the shower when I heard a loud bang followed by Princess crying.  She had come downstairs, slipped in the pee puddle, and was now hurt and wearing a pee-soaked nightgown.  The Big Geek, who apparently didn’t hear me yell before, came out to find one naked crying child, one wet crying child, one frazzled wife, and a pee waterfall.

You can’t make this stuff up.

After they were both clean, dry, and tucked in bed, he made me a drink.  The next day, I sent them to camp with Grandma and did a whole lot of nothing.

And THAT is how I spent my summer vacation.

*Shout out to the good folks at Unpluggits.  If you find yourself in the Edmond, Oklahoma area and need to entertain your kiddos, this place is awesome!  http://www.unpluggits.com/