Aside

Oops, We Did It Again

I had heard plenty about Oops Babies—those babies who conceived themselves all ninja-like unbeknownst to their poor, unsuspecting parents.

Over the years, we’ve heard things like:

“We love Sally and all, of course, but [said in low voice] we really didn’t NEED her.”

Or “Yeah, our youngest is 9 years apart from his older brother. [cough] contraception FAIL [cough]”

Or “Yeah, the two are 11 months apart. Uh-HUH. Did you think you couldn’t get pregnant while breastfeeding? THINK AGAIN.”

Hearing these statements always made me chuckle, but inside I always was a little surprised and possibly a little horrified. I mean, this was all coming from grown, married adults and all. These weren’t clueless teenagers . None of these scenarios involved a high school football running back awkwardly telling his girlfriend’s father, “Uh, sir, uh…me and your daughter…”

I would just assume that parents with prior children knew how this conception jazz generally worked by now. It’s not rocket science, y’all! And while we personally haven’t done anything permanent in terms of contraception (i.e. nothing involving sterile surgical instruments or anything), we’re pretty careful.

Flashback to some weeks ago as I was getting dressed in the bathroom.

“Look at this, honey. There’s all these vein tributaries running across my chest. I look like Franken-booben-stein.” (Shrug)

*sound of birds chirping*

Then, a few days later:

“I’m so bloated! Look at my belly. It looks like I’m preggers or something! Ugh!” (Shrug)

*sound of birds chirping*

Then a day later:

“Um…I hope I’m not pregnant or anything!”

“COULD you be?”

(mental calculation: okay so when did my period last come? Was it that day? Well, definitely during the vacation I was…wait, what day is today?)

“Where’s a calendar? Get me a calendar!!!”

Then a few days later:

(sheepishly emerging from bathroom carrying a pregnancy test) “Um….surprise!”

So, surprise! I’m pregnant! Honestly, I know this is a blessing. A gift.

And, to all you parents I cast judgment on before: I GET IT NOW. And to all you parents who don’t think it could happen to you: Laugh now and talk to me again in a few years once you’ve become more senile and scattered with the passage of parenting time. Those ninja babies drop in when you least expect them.

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About Kate

Kate is mother to three exceptionally strong and solid offspring, "Elise" (b. 2005),"Luke" (b.2008), and "Emile" (b. 2011), who have successfully put her spine one hoist away from disc herniation. She lives in the Washington DC area and works in healthcare—which is convenient given the physical hazards of her mommy gig. Kate is deathly afraid of developing large nose pores and is very suspicious of squirrels. She hopes she will never, ever need to face these two fears simultaneously. She is a huge fan of eating, sleeping, and taking private showers. Kate yearns for the day when she will not have to follow any dependent being into the bathroom for quality control. She is also known for saying, "There's nothing that makes you feel like more of a tool than writing about yourself in third person."

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