Driving By the Gym is Bad for My Health

There’s a gym that sits right next to a road that I drive on just about every day. Which means I have to see *those* people exercising nearly every single day. The worst is when the light is red and I’m forced to sit there, right next to them, all facing one direction, bobbing up and down like an army of turkeys. I’ll happen to glance over, only to see several bobbing turkeys looking back at me, eyes silently mocking me as I take a bite of my bagel with extra cream cheese.

I’ve decided that the placement of this gym is bad for my health for multiple reasons. For one, it’s not healthy for me to drive by on my way to work since it fills me with anger. What are you doing in a gym, people? For real, you have an illness. (Read more…)

An Open Letter to Our Bath Toys

My worthy adversaries,

It is with a heavy heart that I surrender to you. Ours has been a war hard-fought, but I am weary. Your campaign for freedom against the confines of your containers has been admirable, and I realize that my efforts to constantly corral and clean you are in vain.

I realize that I am, in part, to blame. To expect that you would stay organized, satisfied to sit unused 23 hours a day, was—to say the least— unrealistic. But one needs some sense of order, and for far too long I have lived under the delusion that I can keep you in line. That dream is shattered and I stand before you a broken woman. (Read more…)