Where are you?  Your local warehouse store, of course.

If someone had told me pre-kids that I’d be one of those people lined up outside a warehouse club before they open, I’d have laughed.  In fact, I was never a member of a warehouse club before I met hubby, whose meals before me included such delights as microwavable hamburgers and frozen burritos.  But love it or hate it, at some point, we all end up there.  And if we’re lucky, we end up there in the early morning on a weekday before it gets overly crowded, battling retirees for the first-place spot.

I’ve not only accepted this about my life, I’ve decided to embrace it.  These warehouse clubs can be a real bargain, not only for their gallon-sized vats of peanut butter, but also because a shopping trip there is like a workout.  Who needs an expensive gym membership?  Just follow my handy exercise tips and you’ll be looking fit in time for bathing suit season (by the way, they have bathing suits at a great price right now).

Cart Warm-up:  Trying to separate a stuck shopping cart from the row provides all the warm-up you need, but if you’d like more, lift a child into the safety seat and then get in some stretching as you hunt for both sides of the safety strap.  If you’re lucky, there won’t be one in the first few carts you try and you’ll get to do several reps.  Later, as your cart gets heavier while you shop, you can incorporate lunges to get the leverage you need to push it forward.

Opening 50-yard Dash:  When the big metal door goes up, sprint past the retirees to get your cardio started right.  If there’s something really cool by the front door, you can always come back on your way to the check out.

Squats and Lifts:  Remember to lift heavy objects like the 4-pack of pickle jars with your knees, and take full advantage of this opportunity to get in some squats.  Continue the upward motion with your arms, and then slowly bring your arms down, feeling the burn, as you place them carefully in your cart.

Toilet Paper Yoga:  Practice your calming breathing and balance by removing one giant package of toilet paper without upsetting the tower carefully constructed by the club employees.  Continue using your calm focus as you figure out how to fit it in or under the cart.

Cute Cardio:  Those kids’ clothes are SOOOO cute, but you can’t find the size you need for your child.  Take advantage and work in some cardio as you un-stack and re-stack the merchandise until you find the right size!  You can also fit in some cardio racing other shoppers to the sample stations (your kid will last a lot longer if he tries some of whatever that is) and, eventually, to the shortest check-out line.

Cart Cool-down:  Conclude your workout by transferring items to your car, lifting your child(ren) out of the cart and into their carseats, and returning the cart (do NOT skip that part of the workout!!).

There you have it—a workout Jillian Michaels would be proud of without the cost of a gym membership, plus you got your family the peanut butter and toilet paper they so desperately needed.  You’re welcome.

Snugglebug is a toe-walker, relishing the extra stimulation on her toes. She’s forever climbing, spinning, or flipping herself over, and she’d have a beanbag or a blanket on top of her head all day long if it was practical. When it comes to clothes, however, she insists on going au naturale or—if forced to wear clothing for the comfort of the general public—opts for rustling crinolines, tutus or petticoats and fitted bodices to give her an extra boost of sound and snugness around her torso. I can’t keep her out of our family pool, either

She’s like Ester Williams and Shirley Temple, all rolled into one.

Curlytop, on the other hand, abhors water, prefers closed doors to provide clean lines throughout rooms, claps her hands over her ears and emits glass-shattering shrieks at the sound of applause, decries crinolines and petticoats as “too noisy,” and would rather have her head shaved than go down a slide.

That is, if her head could be touched without the requisite screams of pain.

The girls’ preferences aren’t always at odds, though. Both require a minimum of 30 minutes of back, arm and leg scratching before they’ll go down for bed (“Mama, scraaaaatch my back. Please. Please?”). Both prefer a plastic utensil to metal, as plastic is less likely to transfer heat or cold from foods. Both insist on soft, fuzzy blankets which can be stroked during cuddling.

It’s hard for people not familiar with SPD to understand the world feels, smells, sounds, tastes and looks different for my kiddos, and I’m insanely grateful to have found a hair stylist who is an SPD mom, herself. Curlytop and Snugglebug get rock star treatment, and their sensitivities are understood and respected.

Now, I just need to find schools, babysitters, restaurants, grocery stores, libraries, a church and parks geared toward sensory issues.

Would it also be too much to ask auto manufacturers to create a vehicle in which all seats are middle seats (much freaking out if someone has to touch a door), climate control that doesn’t involve fans (can’t have air blowing in the car), and a radio that won’t go above three (Mr. Wright is a big fan of Spinal Tap’s “eleven”)?

While I’m asking, when at public performances, could we go back to the cool jazz and poetry snapping of the Sixties, in place of applause?

Perhaps Mother Nature could be bothered to tone down the scent and vibrancy of spring flowers. Our yard is littered with them, and like bees—which buzz far too loudly for Curlytop, by the way—my little gardeners are drawn to them, and can’t resist plucking the blooms, rolling them over their skin and clothing, perfuming themselves like ancient Egyptians. That’s a lot of pollen making its way into the home of a mama with severe allergies.

And seriously, Disneyland, is it really necessary to saturate the entire park with vivid colors, smells, and music blasting everywhere? We’d like to visit again, but after our last Small World ride experience, I think security has our photos on posters at the entry gate.

Do you have a child with SPD? What tricks and tips do you utilize to make the world more comfortable for your child? Learn more about SPD at http://www.sinetwork.org” http://www.sinetwork.org.

When you see me at 6:30am—before I’ve had so much as a drop of coffee—try something radically new like, “Good morning.” And that’s it, mind you, not, “Good morning! I forgot to tell you that I need to be at the honors assembly by 4, so you’ll need to….” Please, give me a second to wake up before filling me in on where you need to be and when, and what manner of snacks, tasks or cash I’ll need to donate to the occasion.

When you see me at my computer, it means that I’m doing something—something that requires my attention. I cannot give my attention to the task at hand and listen to you at the same time. Perhaps a sign would help. I could tape a ruler to the back of my laptop with a sign hanging menacingly over the keyboard that says, “CHILDREN BEWARE. MOM AT WORK. TALK AT YOUR OWN RISK. THIN-LIPPED SMILE SLOUGHS OFF LIKE SNAKE SKIN WHEN SUBJECTED TO VERBAL ASSAULTS. UNPREDICTABLE HORRORS LURK JUST BENEATH MOISTURIZED SKIN.” 

Also, I’m not sure what I said or did to give you the impression that I care enough about anything on the Internet to stop what I’m doing, follow you to your computer, and watch or listen to a posted comic, game, or video clip. The truth is that I care less about Internet memes than I care about how many South American prostitutes Obama’s Secret Service hired for what was surely one hell of a night. These things neither amuse nor interest me.

Perhaps you could consider alternative receivers for your mind-numbing chatter. Friends, for example, I’ll bet your friends would care about how you fared on that Facebook game, what is it called again? (Yes, I know you’ve told me, at least one million times.) Perhaps you could talk to each other, in a room somewhere that I am not. Maybe you could keep a journal. You’ve got lots of notebooks, tons of pens, and a small arsenal of pencils. Writing down what you would otherwise say to me would exhaust those currently wasted resources—lickity split.

In short, my loves, will you please—for me, your mother, who carried you for nine just-shy-of-miserable months—SHUT. UP.

Thank you so much! Kisses! As you were (only silent).