I am no longer the mother of a newborn. And I won’t even pretend that getting up with a four- or six-year-old in the night is anywhere near as exhausting or frustrating as rising with a one-month-old who needs to eat every two hours.

But I kinda thought that by this time, we’d have us some sleepers—some kids who, barring illness, would slumber from 8pm to 7am with nary a peep.

I was wrong. They still get up. We’re awakened, a few nights a week, by one or the other or sometimes both of our children. Now, as far as I’m concerned, when it comes to rousing heavily sleeping parents at 3:18 AM, there are acceptable reasons and, conversely, absurd reasons—considerations a child might want to rethink before trotting down the hallway and standing at her mom’s bedside, whimpering.

Acceptable reasons:

-Fire
-Robbers
-Bad dreams about fire or robbers (Nightmares in which candy or toys are swiped by siblings do not count.)
-Blood
-Vomit
-Excessively runny nose or bad cough
-Fear of going to the bathroom alone

Unacceptable reasons:

-Tangled sheets
-Just wanting to chat
-Desire to moon over coveted baby doll seen at store that day
-Boogers
-Questions about outer space
-Minor itchiness
-Flaking toenail polish

I’m perfectly happy to get up with my offspring should anything from the Acceptable list come up. But when the four- or six-year old call out because a fly is buzzing around the room or because he or she wants a consort, they’re going to be met with a grumpy and not very reassuring mom.

I have my criteria. Which I urge them to adhere to. Should they choose not to, I may show up one night, prodding them from slumber so I can complain about a lash in my eye or rhapsodize about the book I’m reading, the lipstick I’m considering buying and the snickerdoodle recipe I want to try.