I have a recurring delusion that I can bring Elise with me into work for a day that is somewhat productive for me and entertaining for her. This delusion often pops up when Elise has random days off from school and I have things I shouldn’t miss.

Last Friday was one of those days.

I had to attend a meeting and imagined, in my delusional mind, that Elise could sit quietly in the corner, coloring or reading.

(Why I am not on medications yet is beyond me.)

It started out ominous as Elise insisted on listening to her favorite CD (aka Soundtrack from Hell) all the way in. I normally can tolerate this CD in small doses, but with my commute close to 40 minutes, by the time we reached work, I had reached toxic levels of gaiety.

While I tried to send some important emails, Elise managed to ask me, “What’s this?” more times than I thought humanly possible. I had brought a million activities to keep her entertained but apparently nothing was more exciting than my paperweights and light fixtures. 

Finally, we were at my meeting and I got her set up to the side to minimize disruptions. 

I sat there, trying to look very serious and engaged, while a small person kept coming to me with critical messages.

“I’m going to color now.”

“That chair is tall.”

“How come I can’t have candy?”

“Mama, what’s that guy saying?”

(That guy being my boss.)

I finally resorted to my old friend, bribery.

Someone had brought cupcakes for a colleague’s birthday, and I told her she could have one if she could be quiet until the end of the meeting.

Okay!  

This worked for about 5 minutes. 

I ended up giving her the cupcake in desperation. Then, wonderful silence. For thirty whole seconds. 

“Why can’t I have another cupcake?”

Everyone looked over to see my child, face smeared with chocolate frosting, sitting in a mountain of crumbs that were spilling out all over the floor.

Nice.

Then, everyone looked at me.

*smiling meekly*

Meeting adjourned?